Photo courtesy of Jamie Marie Photography
Since age nine, I’ve written by hand in a journal.
May 14, 2006:
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 1:13).
I am discouraged with myself. I keep seeing more areas of my life that are imbalanced. Not that I don’t want to know; I don’t want to stay as I am. Must remember I can’t do it in my own strength. I wish I could—it would be easier and enable me to be in control.
“Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?” (Jeremiah 15:18) I want to be healed and strong–not for my sake, but so I can help others. But there is no five-step plan for healing wounds.
“When you did awesome things we did not look for, you came down and the mountains quaked at your presence! From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him” (Isaiah 64:3, 4).
May 17, 2006:
My spirit is in turmoil…I am not strong. If there be any standing firm, ‘tis by His grace alone. “I need Thee every hour, in joy or in pain.” Have I climbed off the altar?
You know my heart. Search it. I’ve not received the grace for that yet. But You offer what I need to face today; and today’s challenge, indeed, the one that appears to be mine for many months to come is that of Not Knowing.
“But…now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands” (Isaiah 64:8).
May 19, 2006:
“I’m awkward and ugly. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals…I’m afraid I’ll never fit in anywhere.” – Jo, “Little Women”
Lord, I cry out to you! Emotions cannot, must not be in charge. Oh, my heart bleeds…everything in my life feels uncertain. This is trusting You to the extreme. My emotions may rage but help me to remember what is true. You are asking me to walk by faith. To do what is best with no idea of the outcome.
If I have You, is it not enough? Is there a more challenging question ever uttered? All these thoughts must tie together. Even if ‘tis not clear right away. Lord, here are many pieces. Here is truth, here is Your word, here is emotion, here are dreams. Please make it into something beautiful—beautiful in Your eyes.
May 25, 2006:
Thank You, Lord, that You are enough. You have given me this whole wide wondrous world to explore and adventure in. I am blessed. The tears can only be held back so long. Not sure when to let them fall or what they all mean.
I don’t know what You’re doing, but I’ll let You do it. I dowant You to do it. To be more of what You desire. I’m just so worn out right now.
June 2, 2006:
So tired. I am overwhelmed.
June 3, 2006:
I long to please You. Whatever the cost. I’m staying on the altar. Help me.
June 25, 2006:
Comfort will only kill. What are my ideals? Can I keep them and hold out, sacrificing and fighting for them?
June 30, 2006:
I reach the breaking point where I can’t hurt anymore and I go numb. I’m very, very tired.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself protect, confirm, strengthen and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10).
My journal entries end here, not to be continued for many long months. Though in the beginning I still possessed the ability to express myself through writing, that was only the small stuff. As the fire intensified, my strength to write lessened until it hurt too much to even try.