Journey – Part Eight

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Photo courtesy of Jamie Marie Photography

On the edge of a volcano
I have lived for many years.
I have tried to walk away
From broken pieces of the past,
But their edges tear my feet
Like shattered glass.

Sheila Walsh

Last year I finally slipped off the edge of the volcano I’d been playing balance beam on for some time. I’m fine. I can do this. I have to do this. I have to keep going. More than once I took off into the forest and ran until I dropped. I longed to keep running and running until the pain inside eased. We all know running is not the answer but sometimes just the thought of facing the Darkness–and whatever it consists of–is unbearable.

Someday we all have to stop running. We have to stop wearing the happy face masks and the risk rejection of men for the sake of authentic relationships and the pleasure of God. The Psalmist did not hide his agony. Psalm 31 is one of my favorite chapters in all of Scripture. The honesty is beautiful.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also (Psalm 31:7, 9).

Darkness attacks every part of us, including our bodies and our souls. Nutrition, rest and exercise are vital and not to be neglected while wrestling through the spiritual issues. I know how it feels. When you are in the Darkness you often do not want to hear it. That is okay. We will ask you to listen anyway and we know that someday…you will.

Read the entire Journey series.

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8 thoughts on “Journey – Part Eight

  1. Natalie! Oh, how glad I am to see this blog and to see how our Lord has blessed you in marriage. I could not be more happy and thrilled for you and James. You story and writings have always touched my heart deeply as I could relate to much of what you were going through. I so missed your presence on ylcf. You look so happy! God bless.

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  2. Hi Natalie,
    Just wanted to add a little something here to say welcome back to the blogging world — I’ve missed your presence!

    I knew big changes had occurred when I saw the name Ference next to yours and saw, to my surprise, that the YLCF had withdrawn affiliation with HeartThoughts. I hope you are all still good friends.

    I’m glad you’ve found a ‘net home where you can be free to be yourself and share the real you, as it were, with the rest of us.

    We sisters need to build eachother up in love and understanding. The road is narrow and long and we can’t afford to leave eachother trekking alone. Company makes the journey that much sweeter and helps us take our place in our individual environments — where often we may be the only one standing for Truth and biblical womanhood.

    Look forward to reading more!
    Naomi x

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  3. ahhh how i can relate relate so well Natalie!! i know you wrote this 2 years ago but how i wish i was there to give you a hug, because exactly 2 years ago almost 2 years ago, on July 16, 2007 my fiance left me and broke off our engagement, i was so so lost, i was so sad, and the only thing that got me through to be where i am today stronger wiser and nicer was with God,,.God got me through.
    I still praise Him today that thanksgiving of 2007 i was able to praise Jesus publicly in church for the dissolving of the relationship…and said that “I am who i am today because he left. I am stronger through Christ and HE made me who i am because of this break up. PTL”
    something of the sort, but those first 3 months were so hard, and even now i have depression from time to time, and i wear the mask so well..In church my friends think i am the life of the party and nice and popular among friends..They don’t always know the real me…They suspect that i have depression, because every time we have a sermon i burst into tears over the stuff that God is trying to teach me with through the pastor. And the songs we sing make me cry too..sometimes with joy, other times with sadness over my food addiction and having gained some weight.
    BUT i am proud to say this and then i’ll go :)

    I am proud to say that Today is day # 2 of me being back on track with not eating too late at night, and eating lighter meals. and not binging. Praise God He’s sooo good..and the way i got better so far, is through Christ based recovery program..Celebrate Recovery, they helped me so much, i have an accountability partner which helps a ton!
    now i am looking for a sponsor..they work the 12 steps like AA..but they are Christ centered, that’s the difference :)

    well thank you thank you for sharing this older post, it’;s nice to know that i am not the only one who struggles with depression and sadness from time to time!

    sorry this was so long!

    Blessings & HUGS!

    To God be all glory!

    In His Love, Jane.

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  4. That’s true about not wanting to listen at the time, yet storing it for later. Sometimes it’s too much to process at the time, but we still absorb it.

    I DO neglect nutrition when I’m depressed. I lose weight, and it makes me even more depressed that I look unattractive. I think at that point the main goal is survival, so I try to just keep going with baby steps…getting dressed even if I don’t look my prettist, eating something even if it’s a microwave dinner…just to keep going.

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  5. Archived comments :

    At 2:25 AM, Laura said…
    Natalie – Thank you for being honest and open about depression on your bolg. I’ve read YLCF over the years but have been absent the last few months, so I just read all of your posts tonight. Depression is a long road to walk – I’ve walked it, and it took many years. Thank you for telling ‘the world’ your story, and stating the truth that even Christians… strong Christians, can walk through depression. AND for upholding God’s faithfullness through the dark times… not usually in a way we can see at the moment, but in a way that will be crystal clear in the months and years afterwards. Although miserable days, I now see the opportunity to walk them a BLESSING! God is soverign, but he also calls us to reach out and ultimatly admit weakness – the essence of the Gospel is, after all, our complete inability and God’s overcoming ability (and willingness). Thank you again. You brough my heart new encouragment and I pray others will read this and be drawn onward as they walk through the darkness, holding to the truth of God’s faithfulness, even when the darkness seems eternally long. Thank you – God is using your experince already!

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